Top 10 Sequels that should never get
We’ve all heard that sequels are not as good as the originals. Most of the time this is true and sometimes you just wish they hadn’t bothered. And sometimes you just hope – really hope – that they’ll never make another.
Here is my list of sequels that I hope will never see the light of day… Apologies to the original film poster designers for my blatant alterations!
Starting us off is the sequel to one of the most hyped films of the noughties, Slumdog Millionnaire.
10. SLUMDOG BILLIONAIRE
Follow the increasingly unlikely adventures as he gambles with his rupees and watch his wealth soar beyond the dreams of avarice. Bask in the year’s most uplifting film with even more scenes of depravation, child torture, violence and mutilation. Nice.
9. 28 MONTHS LATER
Danny Boyle returns to his zombie franchise which sees the US being infected after the improbable transatlantic helicopter flight. Shudder as a bunch of unengaging characters do stupid things to further the plot and meet their fates in more and more elaborate CGI deaths.
8. THE CORE 2
Earth’s molten core has gone and done it again! Once more on a slowdown, in New Movies our intrepid heroes board and unfeasibly heat and pressure resistant vessel to save the day. In this follow-up to the worst-science-seen-in-a-movie-ever award winner can the director make it two in a row?
7. STAR WARS IV – A NEW HOPE 3D
A million voices cried out, ‘Leave it alone, Lucas!’, and fell silent. The latest definitive edition combines over-the-top sensory overload with even more added embarrassing aliens gurning and belching. This is the film that makes Avatar look distinctly 2D.
6. NIGHT AT THE TATE
Ben Stiller brings the magic to the UK but this time he’s guarding art gallery exhibits. Surprising the fans by making it an 18 certificate this series loses its shackles and goes all out in horror as Stiller regrets sneering at an unmade bed when the gallery comes to life and he is pursued by a marinated sheep and half a shark.
5. THE QUEEN’S SPEECH
Following a terrible change in fortune for Colin Firth, he reprises his multi award winning role with a twist to reclaim his reputation as a versatile artist. No longer playing George VI, Firth returns in this extravagant, sumptuous, colourful, gay musical as Queen Georgina VI. Tastefully done of course.
4. SAW VIII
3. AIRPLANE 3
Bad taste returns big time to our cinema screens as a CGI Leslie Nielsen reprises his role. Hollywood wouldn’t stoop so low, surely? With a rich vein of new material prepare for laughs poking fun at snowbound airports, volcanic eruptions and terrorist attacks.
2. M NIGHT SHYALAMAN’S – I DO IT AGAIN
When a horror auteur starts making films with his name preceding the title, you just know it’s gonna be a stinker. Step forward Mr Carpenter. And now step back. With Shyalaman’s reputation swinging wildly from golden boy to confused adult we can only hope he can get his act together.
1. MAD MAX 4
Mel Gibson is now a Mellowing Max in this gritty sequel charting his rise to environmental harmony while he tears up the Outback in his now-classic Nissan Leaf. Petrol tankers are few and far between and mostly converted into moving solar power collectors. The local sickos struggle to maintain their gas guzzling, smoke belching vehicles – rusty Prius’s.